A New Perspective

[aro_gant_aro]

Diving headfirst into the aromantic community is like discovering a world new world. Or maybe an alternative universe; where everything is the same, except not.

You're quick to learn about amatonormativity, the silent influence that plagues the world. Romance and sex (and sensuality and aesthetic appreciation and i could go on) are seen as separate things as much as they are recognised as being intertwined. And finally there is a reason for the disconnect. Whatever connection it is you've struggled with - your inability to feel romance, the way your romantic feelings come and go, the fact that you value your friends more than they value you, your struggles to connect with anyone at all, the conversations you've had with family where they tell you "you'll understand" but it’s been years and you still don’t - whatever it is, starts to make a little more sense. At the very least you find others like you and that changes how these struggles affect you.

All of this and far, far more is the norm in the aromantic community. But our views aren't the norm. The expectation to feel romantic love and then to not, it removes you from countless situations. Joining the community, finding people who feel the same, having discussions about these events - it puts life in a different perspective.

I've also found a, I'm not entirely sure what word to use. It’s like this: I find that I am sometimes so immersed in the aro community that I struggle to connect it back with people who aren’t. It’s not unlike being an expert in the field and talking about your area of interest with someone who knows the bare minimum. Sometimes I skip steps. 

"Ah well yeah, maybe I am a non-SAM aro bc my aroness and my queerness are one and the same, but I'm also alloaro and there’s a slight expectation there for division, so it's a little like which am I and do I have to choose? Most people are one or the other. And on top of that I hate the term non-SAM, y'know? So sure I identify with non-split attraction but I'm not non-SAM, y'know? And if I read something talking about alloaros and non-SAM aros then I'd feel recognised by the word alloaro every time - like: that's me! - and I wouldn't recognise non-SAM any more than I'd recognise aroace in that list. And while we're on the subject how come aroace can mean split and non-split but alloaro generally just means split?" 

Or, let's give layman's terms a go. "Yeah, I'm aro and queer. I do feel sexual attraction and I don’t feel romantic attraction. Both labels are equally important to me." 

One of them is much more familiar and borders on a vent (or rant depending on the day). And the other is made up of point blank statements. One of them is phrased like a conversation and one is phrased like a list of facts. They are facts of course, but the phrasing of that latter is a lot harder to argue with. (I wonder why I feel the need to do that, hmm?) And, if people aren't interested in trying, it's harder to build from those statements.

Sometimes with this new, eye opening perspective I struggle to communicate through it at all.

One of my friends will say, every now and then, 'romance isn’t all bad' to me and I find myself taken aback every time. I know it isn’t all bad? Does she think I do? Is it bc I criticise the system - and am a mean romance hating aro >:( - that that's how I come across? A killjoy of all things romantic. Lowkey GOOD lmao. But in reality I want people to find the romance they desire. I just simply think that they deserve it in a way that is much kinder and more considerate than they often receive it. And give it.

I've gotten really good at speaking aro and sometimes I'm going to need to translate that language. 

A friend of mine has started up a podcast and wants to do an episode of Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week (ASAW) and is looking for an aro the host with her. I'm 90% sure she's doing this episode bc I am aro, I've been stressing about ASAW preparations, and we're best friends. The logical question to follow is:

Why the hell aren’t I doing it?

Lol so I'm not out to my extended family and somehow I imagine them 1) listening to podcasts, 2) finding out my friend has one, 3) searching it up, 4) scrolling thru all the episodes and finding mine, 5) listening to the opening where I would say I'm aromantic and queer and that’s that. Once one of them knows, they all know. 

This isn’t a situation I want to deal with. I doubt they'd say anything, we're the 'stiff upper lip, gossip about it in private' kind of family. They already think I'm a lesbian because I have short hair and I have never shown interest in a man and, like, what else is there? So yeah, that's a situation I want to avoid, but it’s also an unlikely one. A highly unlikely one. A good ol' irrational fear.

What is far more likely is that I sit down and start talking about aromanticism with all our usual jargon and have to backtrack over and over again. Not awful, a little faulting maybe, I might come across as unsure, but there’s nothing bad about that. What my hesitation simply comes down to is that I'm just not sure what information to prioritise. And, also, I've always had this issue where I know how to use a word in a sentence, but not how to define it so.

I'm still debating doing the episode. I know I should do it. I know it'd be good for the community and me and my friend's podcast. I do the bulk of the writing for AUREA ffs I must be good with words to some extent. I guess public speaking will always be an entirely different kettle of fish. (The irony of saying I'm good with words and then having to Google how that idiom ends lol). 

I can barely remember where this came from or where this is going, but I promised Neir rambles that ey will get rambles!

I like the way I view the world now. I like knowing that aromanticism is radical and puts self love first. I'd always disliked how relationships are handled growing up, but having words and people to discuss it with is liberating.

Maybe I need another new perspective. Maybe having all these terms and concepts in my head isn’t a pitfall. I may be used to talking about aromanticism in (generally) exclusively aromantic known language, but that doesn’t mean I can’t use layman's terms with others. And it doesn’t mean I have to stop using aromantic language with non-aros either. I just need to be willing to communicate. 

(The perfect conclusion to this story is me saying yes! I will commit to the podcast episode and boost ASAW and aros and aromanticism! Let the communication begin! But this isn't a story and in reality I'm still on the fence. What if my Grandma, HA! What if, what if, what if.)