under the influence of aromanticism

Is a rose by any other name just as aromantic?

2021-10-01T01:44:05Z

This piece was written for the Carnival of Aros topic: Language.

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Is a rose by any other name just as aromantic?

Approx. reading time: 5 mins
Word count: 900 words

As an avid reader, alleged writer, and wannabe editor, language fascinates me. I'm very particular about word choice and I'll often mentally edit work as I read. Far too often I find myself thinking phrasing is messy or underwhelming. Forget that the author thought this was the perfect description, I know better haha. That is essentially why I love editing, helping an author communicate exactly as they imagine is a beautiful thing. Which is why I want to discuss the use of the word "aromantic" in fiction and Common Bonds: a Speculative Aromantic Anthology is going to help me.

When it comes to representation in text there are three options:

Word of God - the author says a character is X identity outside of the text
On the page - the author writes a character being X identity in the text without naming said identity
Word Used - the author uses the label of X identity in the text

What I want to talk about here is personal preference. My favourite method is On the page. I've discussed this previously in my review of Loveless. Essentially my dislike of Word Used is I feel like it's rarely done well tonally. And while I could write to meet my own lofty standards, I'm too big a fan of conversation. "I'm polyamorous" vs "my partners" and "I'm aroallo" vs "I only do sex, you'll find no romance here". Which is a little ridiculous when my aversion is to reading a few specific words among thousands, y'know?

So my question: when you write an aromantic character do you say, in text, that they are aromantic and why?

Let's take the most stereotypical path of an author. You write a fictional novel and you aim to get as many readers as possible. Forget about the publisher's control over what you write and how queerphobic your society is. This is an ideal opportunity to promote aromantic rep - and you’re writing an aro character either way - do you explicitly use the term aromantic?

Common Bonds is chock full of aro characters written by aro people. I was really curious before I started reading what kinds of people I'd meet. It didn't occur to me to ask how they would write these characters until I was four stories in. It was in that fourth story that read the word aromantic for the first time. Here I was reading a book dedicated to aromanticism and the word hesitates to show up? Not including the label comes with a safety net in an aro anthology. There is a guarantee that your audience will know on the front cover. I was curious, knowing this, how many of these authors in this aromantic anthology would choose to use the word anyway.

Of the 15 stories the representation is as follows:

4 stories use Word of God
6 stories use On the page
5 stories use Word Used

Excluding the cover, the foreword and the thanks at the end - this book uses the word aromantic or aro, in text, around 8 times*. Thoughts?

It is by far more than most stories that's for sure. I don’t fault the authors for their choices in any way. In this anthology they don’t have to worry about the moral question of not including a term that could change someone's life. I find it really interesting how evenly distributed the types of representation are. Less so when you consider only 1 in 3 authors chose to use the term.

There's no real way of knowing why these authors chose to write as they did. I wonder how much of this choice is based on genre. The vast majority of these stories are fantasy. There's a few urban fantasy, a couple of sci-fi, and one superhero story. Based on my totally legitimate research (source: I’ve read a lot of queer books), fantasy stories rarely use modern terms, such as identity terms. This is supposedly due to tone. Of the 8 fantasy stories in this anthology only 1 of them used the word aromantic. Urban fantasy stories are the complete opposite, they are our modern world turned fantastical. Of the 5 urban fantasy stories, a whopping 4 used the word aromantic. Adhering to a genre is a big deal in writing. Big enough to tell you whether to say aromantic or not?

I'd love to hear more about author preferences when it comes to this. Do you think using labels stops suspending disbelief? Is education, representation, and the aro agenda more important than our fragile author egos? What variables do you weigh when making this decision? Or is there no decision to be made at all?

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Some interesting things:

One instance of On the page representation in the Fantasy genre uses the word ‘aromatic’ in the name of an object (spoilers) and implies its use is a play on aromantic. This means that this story could have, in text, been Word Used story, but the characters themselves chose not to use the word during this time
Of the 10 stories that named or implied an aromantic identity, only about half named or implied other orientations. Within the anthology there is about an equal amount of confirmed (on the page or word used) aromantic asexuals and aromantic allosexuals.
No stories used any identities terms beyond aromantic, the asexual spectrum or allosexual despite there being On the page representation for many different orientations
No stories used any identities terms beyond aromantic, the asexual spectrum or allosexual despite there being On the page representation for many different orientations
*I didn't count the exact amount of times aromantic or aro was used in text because it didn't occur to me to until the book had already returned to the library rip so this number is from memory
If you ask your local library to buy Common Bonds then you'll be putting the word aromantic out into the world for countless people to learn and therefore karmically you can write however you want right? ;)

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Alloaro Reviews Loveless + My Extremely Messy Thoughts on Labels in Fiction

2021-02-01T12:07:45Z

This piece was written for the Carnival of Aros topic: Stories.

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Alloaro Reviews Loveless + My Extremely Messy Thoughts on Labels in Fiction

Warning: 1600+ words

A little while ago on the Arocalypse forum I was recommending some aro books and I found myself writing:

“I’m not sure if you care about whether the character says aromantic in the text, but.”

The thing is those books are fantastic. Here: Dread Nation, The Last 8, The Murderbot Diaries. I adore them but I have to mention this disclaimer. None of them said they were aromantic in the text. They say romance isn’t for them. They say they don’t do relationships. They say they don’t feel those feelings. They say, perhaps, everything but.

And I don’t mind. Why is that though?

Loveless

For someone who wants to read more aro stories I took a while to get around to this one. I think I felt warned off it in some ways. There are the reasons that many people discussed: the use of the word ‘loveless’ in conjunction to it’s story being one of ‘friendship is love and is equally fulfilling as romance’. A message that is important, and one I loved, but lacked recognition in some ways. Loveless aros don’t feel love and this was a book about being aromantic. And that’s the other topic that floated around the aro spaces I frequent, aro in what way. This book was being touted, by some, as The Aro Book.

My other reasons for not wanting so much to read this book are personal preferences. I don’t want to read stories set in University. I don’t want books that centre kids, even ones just out of high school. I want sci-fi, fantasy on occasion, and lately I want space horror. They really fuck me up good.

To put it simply: I don’t want to read anything that I can do myself and I want to relate to the characters.

Loveless really isn’t for me. Which is ironic considering Georgia - the main character - is white and aromantic. I did schooling in England. My friends from high school all went to the same University. You could argue that the book is about me, or was, or close enough. And I didn’t like it.

Except, I did also like it. I read the book in one sitting and went to bed immediately after shutting it which was at 3am. The friendships are fantastic and deep and messy. It’s funny. The characters talk like people I know. I’ll try not to spoil too much but every single important person gets a big ‘I’m telling you and the world I love you’ dramatic confession scene the likes of which you usually only see in romances. ‘We’re running to one another and kissing in the rain’ levels of passion but in friendship form. And they were all perfectly tailored to their characters, it’s really well done narratively. If you want to read a book about friendship, then I absolutely recommend this.

What I didn’t like was all the talk of identity.

We’ll get the obvious answer out of the way first: Georgia is so asexual. And I am absolutely not. Every time Georgia was in a situation where she could or thought she should be kissing someone all I wanted was for her to do it. And she wouldn’t, with great relief on her part, or she would and she’d hate it. Can’t relate, to the point I was disinterested and tempted to skip those scenes.

In terms of being aromantic, Georgia is desperate for romance. To the point that it’s her main goal despite just starting Uni. To the point that she’ll fuck up her friendships for a chance at it. Again, I can’t relate. That’s never been me.

This book is important. I also think it’s for people who know nothing about aromanticism and asexuality, or are young and new to the concept. It’s a coming of age story. I borrowed it from my local, medium-sized town library and Alice Oseman put aro and ace resources in the back of the thing. It’s going to reach the people that need it.

What it did for me, instead, is showed me what I like in representation.

Word of God

Dread Nation is a series of two novels about the 1800s U.S. if zombies turned up on the scene. It’s about two black girls, navigating relationships and racism and morality and survival.

The Last 8 is about the last remaining survivors of an alien attack. It’s about a group of strangers, facing existentialism and the end of everything they know and what it means to be human.

The Murderbot Diaries are about an android fighting capitalism in search of a home. It’s about a human/construct, exploring self and family and trust and boundaries.

In all of these books the main character is extremely adamant about not feeling romantic feelings. That is a facet of their personalities. It is not what the book is about. Not at all. The book says ‘this person doesn’t care about romance, now onto what they do care about’. It feels like romance is swept under the rug for once. There’s no amatonormativity here!

And I think that’s why I like stories and media that don’t use labels. If a story mentions an identity then the story must discuss the identity. And I fucking hate how they do it.

On the page

Stories about coming to terms with your identity are important. People need examples and guides and representation. We discover ourselves through comparison. That’s how aromantics figure out we’re aromantic. People go on and on and on about romance and the majority of us are like why? And then why don’t I go on and on like that?

In Loveless Georgia is extremely into romance. She reads it all, she studies it, she dreams about it, and she has her wedding planned. And then the doubts set in. She’s 18 with no experience, no one interests her, she’s not feeling the right feelings. Things aren’t the way they’re supposed to be.

Georgia’s introduction to aromantic and asexual is when she overhears a fight between the Pride club president and the ex-Pride club president. The current person - whom I love and can relate to - running the show is asexual and inclusive and the ex-president is an exclusionist. So on one hand, the proper first time Georgia hears these terms it is out loud and she’s already got a whole community of people ready to welcome her. That’s beautiful and how we want life to be in the future. And on the other hand, she’s immediately told ‘hey, people don’t like this’. It’s: “acceptable people don’t accept you.” I think this is a really interesting way to introduce these concepts, this blend of reality and dream. And this sets us up for what I don’t like.

Georgia describes aromanticism and asexuality as ‘long words’ and makes them sound bulky, like they’re something that you don’t want in your mouth. Bisexuality and pansexuality don’t get the same treatment. In fact she already knows all about them to the point that they don’t get their definitions written in the text for the reader to potentially learn. Her words however, they’re uncomfortable and foreign and not for her. She still wants romance at that point so fine, she’s chafing at the realisation. We all question ourselves.

All of this would be fine to me if the rest of the story were told differently. I’d prefer it if the book actually showed her getting comfortable with the words. Instead she sort of gets comfortable with the idea of not wanting sex and then not wanting romance and then her social life goes to shit so she has to fix that bc Plot and at some point during that she slaps the words on herself. It’s almost like the words are separate from her until she accepts herself. It’s not wrong per se because she accepts herself through her relationships and denial lives in us all. I just feel like something is missing. Her worry is that she doesn’t like her true self, in the meantime she has to fix all her relationships, and then she does and suddenly she’s got everything she wants so she does like her true self after all.

Somehow in a story about figuring out identity, the actual figuring out the identity part feels shoehorned in to me. And that’s how it feels in most media. People aren’t used to announcing their identity, most people are straight. It’s a nonentity to them so queer characters disrupt the flow of a story. And that's assuming they're accepted by the writers/audiences and also aren't just written in th show the harsh realities of being queer.

Clarity

So I don’t like “the word” being said (for now). I’ve moved beyond my need for coming out and questioning stories. I want adults who already know about their queer identity and their likes and dislikes. If the character gets with multiple people of multiple genders, then I love it. And if the character says ‘nah’ when faced with a relationship, I love it. And one day I’ll see a character that does both and doesn’t get “““fixed””” by falling head over heels in love with some monogamous person, and I’ll love it.

(Torchwood ffs, I want fucking Torchwood. Love that show, but we can do better.)

Loveless is a romance about friendship with an aroace main character. That’s extremely cool concept. Unfortunately what I want is a pride flag visible somewhere or an offhand comment like "I'm so aro" while the characters go off to do something extremely cool. And yeah this only works on the assumption that people already know a lot of queer identities, which smacks of inaccessibility. Right now what we have is too much discussion of identity written in such a way that makes the plot feel like it stops for it. That conversely is poor writing. And I think that’s why there are also so many queer romances that are written without an “are you gay?” asked, or a label said. Either you get coming out stories, hate - of the self or from the outside - or you get no acknowledgement. And, personally for fiction, I prefer the silence.

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What in the world do I want?

2020-12-29T05:48:16Z

This piece was written for the Carnival of Aros topic: Happily Ever After.

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What in the world do I want?

I've always struggled to see the future. It's a vague thing which will just happen to me. I don't like that I feel that way so I'm going to change. Something I plan to do in the coming year is be more proactive. I'm going to make things happen. I need to take that step. Looking back I got comfortable and settled, that was a mistake. I like what I had, don't get me wrong, but I want more.

At the moment I'm in a bit of a waiting game. I'm ready to go, raring to go. Certain things take time unfortunately and simply aren't where I need them yet. It's frustrating, I feel alternately trapped and bored.

So, my happily ever after needs to be the opposite of this. It needs to be something that doesn't tie me down, something exciting, something I choose. Writing this all out makes it sound so simple and obvious and yet I'm still stumped for what it will look like.

And that's all external shit. Work, friends, hobbies, achievements, etc. Internally what I want for myself is… It feels like something I need to search for. Life outside myself is full of possibilities and I struggle to choose. Inside me, I'm at a loss. There's this poem that I adore. I think it's about break up tbh, about someone coming home alone, but that doesn't stop me from feeling it deeply.

Love After Love
Derek Walcott

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

I'd like that.

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DIY Aro Stickers

2020-06-17T02:22:17Z

Are you interested in making stickers from supplies you have at home? This is the upgraded version of sloppily taping pictures you like to things around your room as a child. Follow this simple method with surprisingly effective results.

Materials

A design of your choice (printed image, hand drawn image, newspaper or magazine cutout)
Packing tape
Greaseproof/baking/parchment paper
Scissors
Glue (optional)

Cost
Assuming you have none of these things at home:

Newspaper - $2AUD
Packing tape - $3AUD
Greaseproof paper - $2AUD
Scissors - $4AUD
Glue - $2AUD

Total: $13AUD

Instructions

1. Prepare your design. Whether this means printing out an image, creating your design by hand, or using materials at home. For this tutorial I have used pictures and letters cut from junk mail and the newspaper.

2. Take your greaseproof paper and packing tape. The first layer of tape used will be put upon the greaseproof paper, as it can be later peeled away. When placing the tape make sure that there is some uncovered greaseproof paper - a tab - to pull away from the sticker later. I suggest testing both sides of the greaseproof paper with tape to see which side does not rip and stick to the tape. It sound be noted that these stickers will be as good as your paper and tape are.

3. Position your design how you want it. Play with it, have some fun!

4. Take a second piece of tape and stick your design onto that piece.

5. Stick your design and front piece of tape to the back piece of tape. Make sure that the bottom piece of tape is bigger than the front piece as this will ensure the design does not peel away when you're trying to remove the sticker from the greaseproof paper.

6. Cut out your design with a border of tape. It is very important that there is a border around the design as this will lengthen the lifespan of the sticker. Your sticker is now complete! The pros to having the greaseproof paper as opposed to just taping images where you want them is not only that the design has more stick, its that these don't have to be used immediately. You can take all the time you need to second guess where you will put these stickers.

7. And when you are (finally) ready, just peel off the greaseproof paper.

7. Stick those stickers!

For the best results, as in making these stickers last as long as a cheap sticker can possibly last, here are some tips:

Stick the stickers to a sturdy, non-flexible surface
The thinner the paper the design is on, the easier time the tape will have holding together
And the smaller the design the less this will look like something that has been taped together!

Create as many stickers as you like or as many as will fit on your sheet of greaseproof paper.

Let your imagination run wild. Below are images cut from fabric store junk mail. From left to right is the aroallo flag, a spooky aro design using the Halloween edition, and the aroflux flag.

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Variation & Unity

2020-03-02T01:00:03Z

This piece was written for the Carnival of Aros topic: Variation vs. Unity.

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Variation & Unity

There’s a lot of talk at the moment about aroallos doing such and such. It all seems so benign I’m not going to fill in all the blanks. Mostly, there’s been lots of statements about aroallos making their own communities, but I’ve yet to see these countless safe spaces. I’m starting to wonder if there are more complaints about this action than actual instances of this action being made. If you agree that it’s important for people to have a space where they can be themselves with others like them, then what is your complaint?

It would appear that the complaint is: “Well I’m like you - Where are you going? And why won’t you let me come?”

Variation and unity. I like these words a lot, they’re both about togetherness.

I can’t say much about togetherness in regards to this topic. All the complaints I’m hearing from both sides are secondhand. I’ll reiterate: I cannot find these fabled aroallo communities. The single one I’ve heard of on Discord sounds fucking awful and I don’t really understand why it’s been used when the person in charge has repeatedly behaved in the strangest and inappropraite ways. Are we that desperate? The aroallos I do interact with aren’t a part of any greater aroallo community and are asking the same thing. Directions please?

A space, multiple spaces, is needed. When it comes to how aroallos vary from aros who are ace or aro alone, there’s a lot to be said. And where would be a great place to have that conversation? Say it with me lmao: in an aroallo space. We have a right to discuss ourselves with ourselves, first, before sharing you know. You could argue there’s secrecy and division in that, but you’d be missing the point. It’s about aroallos, not anyone else. Maybe remove yourself from this one equation if it bothers you.

It is interesting believing you’re the same as someone else and then finding out you aren’t.

I had thought for a while there that I was just like every other queer person, I just didn’t feel romantic attraction. And I say that meaning every other queer person who isn’t ace, regardless of romantic attraction. For me, I thought as long as you have one of the two main types of attraction - romantic and sexual - that makes you the same as all the queer people who feel both at once. And then I watched Contrapoint’s video on Shame and I thought ‘oh’ and I thought ‘ouch’ and I thought ‘I’m nothing like alloro queer people’.

Do people value their romantic attraction above all else? Do their lives begin and end with it? It’s easily said, and is said so often, in the aromantic community that allos value romance above all else. But fuck, hearing Contrapoint’s talk about her innate romantic love for near an hour was so othering. Not to state the obvious, but it was so romanticised. In the most idealistic way. Usually when the ideal is talked about it is something a person is reaching for and envisioning. When Contrapoints spoke she brought herself into that idealised world. It wasn’t a window that opened before her when she realised her identity, it was a door. Which is beautiful for her. And I can’t quite put into words what or how she was saying it. All I can say is that I don’t feel the same. I don’t see an idealised future for myself, because I don’t imagine a partner.

Am I seen as less queer because I don’t fall in love? I’ve heard that thrown around for years, but I’ve never doubted it before. I’ve never doubted myself before. Is my attraction less than because it is primarily sexual?

Ah, variation, how difficult you can be.

I’m pleased this topic is at hand. A big ongoing conversation in the aromantic community is that not every type of aro is getting the same attention. And there are so many different kinds of us. It’s important to recognise that we are variations of the same. Maybe simply because, to quote arotaro: “At the end of the day, all the infighting in the world won't solve the fact that everyone else thinks we're insane.”

I do wonder how conversation in the aromantic community will change as more and more people come out and join IRL queer communities. Surely our priorities and perspectives will change. And I have to wonder where that will take us.

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A New Perspective

2020-01-26T08:02:22Z

Diving headfirst into the aromantic community is like discovering a world new world. Or maybe an alternative universe; where everything is the same, except not.

You're quick to learn about amatonormativity, the silent influence that plagues the world. Romance and sex (and sensuality and aesthetic appreciation and i could go on) are seen as separate things as much as they are recognised as being intertwined. And finally there is a reason for the disconnect. Whatever connection it is you've struggled with - your inability to feel romance, the way your romantic feelings come and go, the fact that you value your friends more than they value you, your struggles to connect with anyone at all, the conversations you've had with family where they tell you "you'll understand" but it’s been years and you still don’t - whatever it is, starts to make a little more sense. At the very least you find others like you and that changes how these struggles affect you.

All of this and far, far more is the norm in the aromantic community. But our views aren't the norm. The expectation to feel romantic love and then to not, it removes you from countless situations. Joining the community, finding people who feel the same, having discussions about these events - it puts life in a different perspective.

I've also found a, I'm not entirely sure what word to use. It’s like this: I find that I am sometimes so immersed in the aro community that I struggle to connect it back with people who aren’t. It’s not unlike being an expert in the field and talking about your area of interest with someone who knows the bare minimum. Sometimes I skip steps.

"Ah well yeah, maybe I am a non-SAM aro bc my aroness and my queerness are one and the same, but I'm also alloaro and there’s a slight expectation there for division, so it's a little like which am I and do I have to choose? Most people are one or the other. And on top of that I hate the term non-SAM, y'know? So sure I identify with non-split attraction but I'm not non-SAM, y'know? And if I read something talking about alloaros and non-SAM aros then I'd feel recognised by the word alloaro every time - like: that's me! - and I wouldn't recognise non-SAM any more than I'd recognise aroace in that list. And while we're on the subject how come aroace can mean split and non-split but alloaro generally just means split?"

Or, let's give layman's terms a go. "Yeah, I'm aro and queer. I do feel sexual attraction and I don’t feel romantic attraction. Both labels are equally important to me."

One of them is much more familiar and borders on a vent (or rant depending on the day). And the other is made up of point blank statements. One of them is phrased like a conversation and one is phrased like a list of facts. They are facts of course, but the phrasing of that latter is a lot harder to argue with. (I wonder why I feel the need to do that, hmm?) And, if people aren't interested in trying, it's harder to build from those statements.

Sometimes with this new, eye opening perspective I struggle to communicate through it at all.

One of my friends will say, every now and then, 'romance isn’t all bad' to me and I find myself taken aback every time. I know it isn’t all bad? Does she think I do? Is it bc I criticise the system - and am a mean romance hating aro >:( - that that's how I come across? A killjoy of all things romantic. Lowkey GOOD lmao. But in reality I want people to find the romance they desire. I just simply think that they deserve it in a way that is much kinder and more considerate than they often receive it. And give it.

I've gotten really good at speaking aro and sometimes I'm going to need to translate that language.

A friend of mine has started up a podcast and wants to do an episode of Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week (ASAW) and is looking for an aro the host with her. I'm 90% sure she's doing this episode bc I am aro, I've been stressing about ASAW preparations, and we're best friends. The logical question to follow is:

Why the hell aren’t I doing it?

Lol so I'm not out to my extended family and somehow I imagine them 1) listening to podcasts, 2) finding out my friend has one, 3) searching it up, 4) scrolling thru all the episodes and finding mine, 5) listening to the opening where I would say I'm aromantic and queer and that’s that. Once one of them knows, they all know.

This isn’t a situation I want to deal with. I doubt they'd say anything, we're the 'stiff upper lip, gossip about it in private' kind of family. They already think I'm a lesbian because I have short hair and I have never shown interest in a man and, like, what else is there? So yeah, that's a situation I want to avoid, but it’s also an unlikely one. A highly unlikely one. A good ol' irrational fear.

What is far more likely is that I sit down and start talking about aromanticism with all our usual jargon and have to backtrack over and over again. Not awful, a little faulting maybe, I might come across as unsure, but there’s nothing bad about that. What my hesitation simply comes down to is that I'm just not sure what information to prioritise. And, also, I've always had this issue where I know how to use a word in a sentence, but not how to define it so.

I'm still debating doing the episode. I know I should do it. I know it'd be good for the community and me and my friend's podcast. I do the bulk of the writing for AUREA ffs I must be good with words to some extent. I guess public speaking will always be an entirely different kettle of fish. (The irony of saying I'm good with words and then having to Google how that idiom ends lol).

I can barely remember where this came from or where this is going, but I promised Neir rambles that ey will get rambles!

I like the way I view the world now. I like knowing that aromanticism is radical and puts self love first. I'd always disliked how relationships are handled growing up, but having words and people to discuss it with is liberating.

Maybe I need another new perspective. Maybe having all these terms and concepts in my head isn’t a pitfall. I may be used to talking about aromanticism in (generally) exclusively aromantic known language, but that doesn’t mean I can’t use layman's terms with others. And it doesn’t mean I have to stop using aromantic language with non-aros either. I just need to be willing to communicate.

(The perfect conclusion to this story is me saying yes! I will commit to the podcast episode and boost ASAW and aros and aromanticism! Let the communication begin! But this isn't a story and in reality I'm still on the fence. What if my Grandma, HA! What if, what if, what if.)

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What about love?

2019-12-19T15:19:08Z

What about love?

“The world needs more love.”

What’re you, uh, what’re you gonna do with that love, huh? What’s it for? What’s it gonna solve? Who’re you going to give it to, dear magnanimous stranger?

Not to ruin a lovely moment, but. The thing about love is, it’s generally accepted that you need to know a person to love them. You need to feel intensely affectionate towards a person. So while, sure, you can love the stranger who you see jumping in puddles every time it rains, you can’t love just any stranger. It doesn’t work like that. Love doesn’t just appear one day. It builds. It’s made of history and time to come. It’s a result of knowing.

Perhaps you mean loving people as a whole? Do you mean loving humanity for all that it is and all it could be? Because that can be done, that is being done. But I...I get the impression that you’re saying something short and sweet, something pretty. I think you’re saying something vague and malleable to make the biggest emotional impact. Is that cold of me to say? Impersonal, maybe?

I think there are many things the world is in more immediate need of. Motivation for one. Discipline to guide that drive. Kindness to fuel it. And maybe just a dash of unity. But love?

Why, dear magnanimous stranger, would you want that?

Is there a drought? A shortage? Have you checked in the back? What do you mean by “love”?

I think, now, I’m feeling a little mean. I assume this line is a conclusion. The end of a speech, a summation of a conversation. Something to round off and hammer home all the actual useful points people have been making, so here’s mine:

If I were to say “the world needs more love” I would be saying...

I would be saying, I’m a little lost and a little lonely and well over overwhelmed.

I would be saying I need a direction. I need a call and response. I need a guiding light.

I would be saying this is a reflection of me. This is how I view the world. I would be saying it’s too much for me to conceptualise. I need to cut it down, I need it to be manageable. I would need the world to fit in my palm before I can ever hope to lift it up.

The world needs more love. Well so do I. And also I don’t, yeah, no, not like that. I’m fine. The world is fine. I mean it’s not, obviously, it’s not, but...

If I were to say “the world needs more love”.

If I were in a conversation about how fraught the world is, about the nightmare of existence, and of all the words that could tumble out of my mouth, I said, “the world needs more love”.

I think,

I think I would be saying,

“What can I possibly do about it?”

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Aro Badges

2019-11-22T06:35:31Z

This is ridiculously simple!

Materials

Wooden disks (or anything disk-like)
Paper
Glue (setting glue and gluestick glue)
Safety pins
Pens or paints or anything to decorate them with
Final coat (setting spray, nail polish, glue, etc.)

Cost

Wooden disks - $2AUD
Safety Pins - $5AUD

Assuming you own everything else we're talking ~$7AUD

Instructions

Take your wooden disk and trace its shape onto paper.

Cut out the circle and glue it onto the disk. Trim around the edges if need be.

You can decorate the button now or you can do it after you have attached the safety pin. I used paints, newspaper college, and felt pens (see below).

Glue the safety pin on the back on the disk.

Add you final clear coating for protection.

Ta-da! From left to right the frayromantic flag is done in newspaper cut outs, the ARO design is done in felt pens, and the lithromantic flag is done in poster paints. All of these materials are things I had lying around the house!

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Aro Tassels

2019-11-22T06:14:10Z

Materials

Hoop earrings
Embroidery Thread
Glue (optional)

Cost

Secondhand earrings come in at around $2 - $3AUD, I got mine op-shopping
Each embroidery thread costs $1.50AUD

Total: ~$10AUD

Instructions

Wrap your embroidery thread around your earrings. I suggest using 3 of the 6 strands so it makes the thread go further and keeps the hoops slim. A spot of glue at either end will hold the thread in place, but knots work also.

Now for the tassels. I suggest watching this video as the tassels being made are very large and it is easy to see how it is done. If you have decided on the length of your tassels beforehand then find an item of that diameter and wrap them. My tassels began at 10cm and I eventually shortened them to 5cm. The thread that you use to tie the tassels to the earrings should again be 3 strands of 6 so not to have bulky knots.

Once you have your desired amount of tassels, tie and/or glue the tassels to your earrings.

Now decide how you wish for your tassels to hang. Do you want them to be cut straight at the bottom? Do you want them to follow the curve of the earring? Or do you wish for them to hang staggered? I left mine staggered.

And you're done! Enjoy <33

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It's October I suppose

2019-10-28T13:36:21Z

It's October I suppose

What is being alone like for you? Is it a more positive or negative experience?

Wait for it.

Where do you go to be alone? What do you do there?

I wrote this in bed, at 11PM.

What kind of self-care/other things do you do when you feel lonely?

I’m listening to upbeat music as I do.

Do you have a playlist of things to listen to when you’re alone?

I couldn’t tell you what songs. Only that they move quick and they are not quiet.

Books or films you like to read/watch alone?

New books and old favourite films, except, except I fall into them and I cannot afford to lose more—

Do you have anyone you like to be “alone together” with?

Yes.

Do you plan to or currently live alone?

Plan?

Are you looking to live or currently living with a partner or roommate?

My brother is in his room, my Dad is home for the weekend. Its temporary.

Do you connect your aromanticism to feelings of loneliness?

No, never, I don’t want this to touch that.

The opposite?

I don’t know.

Let me try again.

What is being alone like for you? Is it a more positive or negative experience?

It’s fine.

Where do you go to be alone? What do you do there?

The compass I hold points me north. It is an old, rusted thing.

My GPS waits for instruction. Neither of us speaks.

No matter how I reach I cannot fit a map within my arms. The lay of them has become too nebulous for me too grasp.

Time skips like a rock.

I splash down on a Friday night, a birthday party, a family gathering.

And in between the days skip, skip, skip.

The skies ahead are dark, empty, endless, or nonexistent. I cannot tell anymore.

I know that the sun rises each morning and I know that it sets, but for what?

For what?

What kind of self-care/other things do you do when you feel lonely?

I write, you see.

Do you have a playlist of things to listen to when you’re alone?

Ha! Always.

Books or films you like to read/watch alone?

No.

Do you have anyone you like to be “alone together” with?

Yes, anyone.

Do you plan to or currently live alone?

See above.

Are you looking to live or currently living with a partner or roommate?

See above.

Do you connect your aromanticism to feelings of loneliness?

No, of course not.

The opposite?

Do I connect my aromanticism to feelings of togetherness?

Of course. I’m here, answering these questions.

I’m hoping it helps.

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The Carnival's In Town

2019-03-01T05:20:57Z

How you feel about the split attraction model?

It begins vaguely.

“Yeah, I could see myself with a girl,” I say. I feel the same way about men as I do about women, I think, what’s the difference?

The rainbow of orientations I find myself diving head first into are bright with invite and separated cleanly by their definitions. I can’t quite place myself among them but I know I belong somewhere in the LGBT+.

The ‘b’ draws my interest, it’s call most familiar, but still not quite right. I find the ‘p’ listed under the plus sign. That feels better, less like a public location conspicuously empty of people and more like the cool embrace of a vast body of water. I feel the same about people regardless of gender, I think, that’s pansexual right?

I can’t tell you what happens next. Maybe my friends’ — travelling the same queer path as I am — began talking about past crushes on girls they’d suppressed. Maybe I’d been taught the next step (always, always, the next step) is finding a partner. Maybe someone mentioned their sex life and I thought to myself: “I’ve never once thought about anyone.” I can’t say, but I can tell you the word asexual slipped over my skin like the finest of silks.

Panromantic ace, I think, yeah?! I don’t care about gender so why not anyone?

Why not indeed.

Then came the most haunting week of my life. I’m being melodramatic but I can’t convey the horror I felt any other way. In the space of seven days three of my closest friends expressed romantic interest in me and I ended that week in tears.

Oh, I thought, this doesn’t feel right. I don’t want this.

I wish I could tell you the word aromantic clicked into neatly into place then and there but I think we can all agree that I’ve been fairly oblivious in regards to my sexuality so far. Always I answer with an agreeably passive ‘yeah, that’s possible!’ rather than a deep desiring statement of fact.

Two years pass and I’m reading a story. This side pairing is getting more screen time than I want but they’re working their way towards a QPR and I’ve never seen one fleshed out. I’m curious. One of the characters is allo and the other is aroace. No, one of the characters is demi and the other is aroace. I think there’s a fight or a kiss, maybe both and it ends in tears. They reunite with blunt honesty and a delicate grasp of hands. The a-spec character says something then, something about her identity that I can’t recall, she says something gut-wrenchingly aromantic and I think: “Oh, that’s me.”

I'm aroace.

Six months later I’m introduced to the split attraction model. It’s through concerned tumblr users advising people not to use this ‘SAM’. It's quite dangerous, it’s hurtful and divisive. For the life of me I can’t figure out what split attraction means so I ignore it. I’m not using it and I’m not promoting it so it doesn’t concern me.

I read through the Carnival list of prompts last month and I thought: ‘ehhh.’ I can’t say any of the prompts really interested me. Not one of them felt like something I could add to. All of them require what feels like a depth of knowledge I don’t have. But, this is the first Carnival of Aros and I want it to take flight! So I’ve picked the one concerning SAM because that’s always interested me. The fact is I’m still not sure I understand what split attraction means. My attractions simply aren’t split! “What are your thoughts?” this very uncircuslike Carnival asks me. What could I possible have to add to this conversation you ask? I ask?? Someone asks??? Deeply anecdotal evidence and delicious quantitative research, that’s what.

I could write a fucking forty page essay on what I found but I won’t because most of it would be a rant and, while satisfying, that would be ultimately unhelpful. So I’ll keep this simple. I couldn’t use tumblr as a source because I’d finally began to lose interest in the site and didn’t dare rekindle a (no romo) relationship. What my mind had really been enamoured by was the idea of beautifully researched and written scholarly articles on the topic of SAM. I didn’t bother searching for any because, lbr, if we a-spec struggle to find our orientations hidden under the oft forgotten ‘+’ then no allo is going to either. No, I kept this simple in the most basic and absent minded sense: my research would be limited to the first page of Google. Ridiculous?? Yes! Perfect?? Absolutely! Listen if you don’t know what something is you Google it. You Google it and you never leave that first fucking page. I want to know what people will see when they Google ‘split attraction model’. There has been such awful ““discourse”” about SAM over the years and I want to know what has wormed its way to the top of that explosive trash heap! Just fyi I can’t guarantee what Google showed me will be the same as what everyone else sees bc 1) I hear algorithms work wonders and 2) I don’t understand how algorithms or Google works for that matter. At the very least I can say I rarely Google anything queer so that probably indicates I’m a blank slate ready to be dutifully informed about the split attraction model, right?

The problem with this methodology of course is that there’s a lot wrong with that information on first page of Google. I have an incomplete draft of near three thousand words at the moment and no one wants that. More than that I don’t want to cut this down because I have a lot to fucking say. So I’m making this a series! Today I’ll introduce you to the first website and, thanks to it’s misinformation, our points of contention.

The sole link some people will click on to learn about the split attraction model belongs to BetterHelp. You know, that counselling service that Youtuber’s were mindlessly promoting with no guarantee you’d talk to a professional or that those “helpers” would show for your appointment at all? Yeah, that exercise in compassion is who gets to introduce people to SAM. Cooooool.

It does an……….alright job. Like it does in the counselling department I hear! The title of the piece is What Is The Split Attraction Model? And it’s only time stamp is December 11 of 2018 so I assume the company has paid for this ranking in the search engine. I’m 90% sure whoever wrote this took all the information from the LGBTA Wiki (ranked sixth!!) and paraphrased it. The BetterHelp article(?) speaks in absolutes and is clearly written by someone who isn’t a-spec and I sincerely doubt is queer or LGBTQIA+ at all. My main problem with the piece is that it seems to have an angle throughout and when you get to the end it states: ‘Why The Controversy?’ and ‘What's The Solution?’ Which is a lovely undertone for any informative education tool to have. Here are the controversies (you’ve read them a hundred times on tumblr already dw):

It oversexualizes LGBT by emphasizing sexual desire or attraction over everything else.
Other than asexuals and aromantics, most people experience attraction that does not fall under either one categories, i.e., sexual or romantic.
Attraction is different for everyone and varies between individuals when considering all aspects of it.
It prioritizes asexual identity over LGBT identity, making it harder for lesbians, gays, bisexuals, and transgenders to connect with and support each other.
It makes life even more difficult and confusing for young people who are trying to come to terms with their identity as LGBT.
It pushes the negative label of "homosexual" onto gay people.
It reinforces stereotypes of the LGBT community as hyper-sexualized. Link.

These points are what I’ll be addressing throughout my piece (de resistance). Fun fact while we’re here!! Most of the information on the first page of Google reads like this. None of it is from a-spec voices and it all says: ‘Think of [insert group/orientation who isn’t a-spec]! Think of what SAM does to them!!’ Weird right? Or exclusionary?? We’ll discuss.

And why should you want to hear about this from me? Well I don’t use SAM anymore that’s why. This lovely framework held my hand until I no longer need it’s assistance. What I’m writing here is a love letter (no romo) of sorts. SAM was there for me before I knew what it was. The casual use of split attraction by queer and a-spec people afforded me an introduction to myself. I’m a-fucking-romantic and that’s all folks.

COMING SOON TO A SCREEN NEAR YOU: what Reddit has to say about SAM.

EDIT: Yeah, no, that isn't happening.

Check out the Carnival of Aros: https://carnivalofaros.wordpress.com/

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Drum roll please: Introducing...

2019-03-01T04:56:45Z

I'm Scoop and I'm here to be aromantic (in case you missed that lmao).

I have a tremendous amount of thoughts that need expressing and here is where they will go. Hopefully there will be more structure to them than there is right now with them all floating around my head, but no promises ;)

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