What in the world do I want?

Dec. 29th, 2020 03:36 pm
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This piece was written for the Carnival of Aros topic: Happily Ever After.

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What in the world do I want?


I've always struggled to see the future. It's a vague thing which will just happen to me. I don't like that I feel that way so I'm going to change. Something I plan to do in the coming year is be more proactive. I'm going to make things happen. I need to take that step. Looking back I got comfortable and settled, that was a mistake. I like what I had, don't get me wrong, but I want more.

At the moment I'm in a bit of a waiting game. I'm ready to go, raring to go. Certain things take time unfortunately and simply aren't where I need them yet. It's frustrating, I feel alternately trapped and bored.

So, my happily ever after needs to be the opposite of this. It needs to be something that doesn't tie me down, something exciting, something I choose. Writing this all out makes it sound so simple and obvious and yet I'm still stumped for what it will look like.

And that's all external shit. Work, friends, hobbies, achievements, etc. Internally what I want for myself is… It feels like something I need to search for. Life outside myself is full of possibilities and I struggle to choose. Inside me, I'm at a loss. There's this poem that I adore. I think it's about break up tbh, about someone coming home alone, but that doesn't stop me from feeling it deeply.


Love After Love
Derek Walcott

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.


I'd like that.

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What about love?

Dec. 20th, 2019 01:09 am
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What about love?


“The world needs more love.”


What’re you, uh, what’re you gonna do with that love, huh? What’s it for? What’s it gonna solve? Who’re you going to give it to, dear magnanimous stranger? 


Not to ruin a lovely moment, but. The thing about love is, it’s generally accepted that you need to know a person to love them. You need to feel intensely affectionate towards a person. So while, sure, you can love the stranger who you see jumping in puddles every time it rains, you can’t love just any stranger. It doesn’t work like that. Love doesn’t just appear one day. It builds. It’s made of history and time to come. It’s a result of knowing. 


Perhaps you mean loving people as a whole? Do you mean loving humanity for all that it is and all it could be? Because that can be done, that is being done. But I...I get the impression that you’re saying something short and sweet, something pretty. I think you’re saying something vague and malleable to make the biggest emotional impact. Is that cold of me to say? Impersonal, maybe?


I think there are many things the world is in more immediate need of. Motivation for one. Discipline to guide that drive. Kindness to fuel it. And maybe just a dash of unity. But love?


Why, dear magnanimous stranger, would you want that? 


Is there a drought? A shortage? Have you checked in the back? What do you mean by “love”? 


I think, now, I’m feeling a little mean. I assume this line is a conclusion. The end of a speech, a summation of a conversation. Something to round off and hammer home all the actual useful points people have been making, so here’s mine:


If I were to say “the world needs more love” I would be saying...


I would be saying, I’m a little lost and a little lonely and well over overwhelmed. 


I would be saying I need a direction. I need a call and response. I need a guiding light. 


I would be saying this is a reflection of me. This is how I view the world. I would be saying it’s too much for me to conceptualise. I need to cut it down, I need it to be manageable. I would need the world to fit in my palm before I can ever hope to lift it up.


The world needs more love. Well so do I. And also I don’t, yeah, no, not like that. I’m fine. The world is fine. I mean it’s not, obviously, it’s not, but...


If I were to say “the world needs more love”.


If I were in a conversation about how fraught the world is, about the nightmare of existence, and of all the words that could tumble out of my mouth, I said, “the world needs more love”.


I think, 


I think I would be saying, 


“What can I possibly do about it?”


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It's October I suppose

Oct. 28th, 2019 11:33 pm
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It's October I suppose

What is being alone like for you? Is it a more positive or negative experience?


Wait for it. 


Where do you go to be alone? What do you do there?


I wrote this in bed, at 11PM. 


What kind of self-care/other things do you do when you feel lonely?


I’m listening to upbeat music as I do.


Do you have a playlist of things to listen to when you’re alone? 


I couldn’t tell you what songs. Only that they move quick and they are not quiet. 


Books or films you like to read/watch alone?


New books and old favourite films, except, except I fall into them and I cannot afford to lose more—


Do you have anyone you like to be “alone together” with?


Yes.


Do you plan to or currently live alone? 


Plan?


Are you looking to live or currently living with a partner or roommate?


My brother is in his room, my Dad is home for the weekend. Its temporary.


Do you connect your aromanticism to feelings of loneliness?


No, never, I don’t want this to touch that. 


The opposite?


I don’t know.


Let me try again.


What is being alone like for you? Is it a more positive or negative experience?


It’s fine.

Where do you go to be alone? What do you do there?


The compass I hold points me north. It is an old, rusted thing. 

My GPS waits for instruction. Neither of us speaks. 

No matter how I reach I cannot fit a map within my arms. The lay of them has become too nebulous for me too grasp.

Time skips like a rock. 

I splash down on a Friday night, a birthday party, a family gathering.

And in between the days skip, skip, skip. 

The skies ahead are dark, empty, endless, or nonexistent. I cannot tell anymore. 

I know that the sun rises each morning and I know that it sets, but for what?

For what?


What kind of self-care/other things do you do when you feel lonely?


I write, you see.


Do you have a playlist of things to listen to when you’re alone? 


Ha! Always.


Books or films you like to read/watch alone?


No.


Do you have anyone you like to be “alone together” with?


Yes, anyone.


Do you plan to or currently live alone? 


See above.


Are you looking to live or currently living with a partner or roommate?


See above.


Do you connect your aromanticism to feelings of loneliness?


No, of course not.


The opposite?


Do I connect my aromanticism to feelings of togetherness? 


Of course. I’m here, answering these questions.


I’m hoping it helps. 

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